The thing I miss the most? The bathrooms.

Here was a truly glorious set of bathrooms. First off, there were three. Three! For a 1300-square-foot townhouse. We were awash in excess. (And, washing in excess.) Yet quantity was only one of the great aspects. Each was uniquely terrific in its own way.

I’ll start with the ground floor half-bathroom.

I loved this bathroom.  The house was built in the late 1970s I think, and while the rest of the world grew up, this bathroom stayed exactly the same.  The olive green fixtures served as an ode to a bolder time.  The wallpaper wasn’t just dizzyingly patterned, it was fuzzy!  I affixed a note on the mirror encouraging guests to touch the wallpaper.  I left the note behind when we moved.

Next was the hallway bathroom at the top of the stairs.

As you can see, this bathroom was very, very red.  It reminds me of The Shining bathroom pictured here.  Also, harder to tell in the pictures, it was huge!  I’m pretty sure this bathroom is bigger than my freshman dorm room.

The only real negative of any of these bathrooms was to be found in the tub/shower here.  There is actually a sliding door behind the curtain.  So why did I need the curtain?  Because the caulk on the door was the most stubbornly useless water repellent ever encountered by mankind.  It proved utterly beyond modern human technology to prevent it from leaking.  In fact, I believe that I could initiate a flood simply by applying this caulk to the outside of a major dam.  Water would somehow seek out the caulk, through the dam, in order to leak through it.  After a while we gave up trying to use the door and just put a curtain over the thing.

Finally, the truly excellent master bathroom.

Like its counterparts, it is a very distinct color.  In this case, purple.  It also has a jacuzzi bathtub! I can tell you these are no fun to clean because they’re huge and gunk gets in all the jets.  But the trade off is worth it.

The new house also has three bathrooms (or, to be accurate, both houses really have 2.5).  But these three are sorely lacking what was left behind.  We’re planning some remodels once we’re feeling like spending the money and putting up with the hassle.  But even when we do, it’ll be hard to match what we had.

So I have to admit: my lifetime peak access to great bathrooms is now sadly in the past.

This week, #49, Dennis Smith.

The Broncos selected Dennis as their first round pick (15th overall) in the 1981 draft, and he went on to become one of the greatest safeties in team history.  Dennis became a starter in his second year and remained an anchor in the Broncos’ secondary until his retirement following the 1994 season.  He developed a reputation as an extremely hard hitter and was feared by all rational offensive players.  He was voted to six pro bowls and four all-pro teams during his career.  Dennis recorded over 1,000 tackles for the team, making him one of the all time team leaders (tackles were not officially or consistently recorded for most of his career).  He also is among the all-time team leaders in interceptions and fumble recoveries, and is second only to John Elway in total number of games played for the Broncos.   Dennis was inducted into the Broncos’ Ring of Fame in 2001. He’s also considered one of the great players in USC history, but I don’t hold that against him.

He played in Super Bowl XXI, in which the Broncos were pummeled by the New York Giants 39-20, Super Bowl XXII, in which the Broncos were pummeled by the Washington Native Americans 42-10, and Super Bowl XXIV, in which the Broncos were pummeled by the San Francisco 49ers 55-10.

So what makes Dennis Smith so awesome?  Like his protege Steve Atwater, Dennis was a fantastic combination of power and speed that recent Broncos teams have sorely lacked.  Dennis also deserves Hall of Fame consideration, but has never seriously gotten it as a safety with low interception numbers playing for an unglamorous western team.  (Yes, I believe there is an East Coast bias in sports journalism.)  Further, he played his entire career with the Broncos and is one of the better options for defensive players to control in Tecmo Super Bowl.

These days, Dennis lives in southern California and owns several properties there.  In lieu of opposing running backs, he attacks the needs of children by donating his time and money to the Make-A-Wish Foundation and Covenant House.

You! You!

Get into my car!

Who me?

Yes you!

Get into my car!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I’ve seen them all but the first and last.  In general, this is a surprisingly great list.   Some aren’t my favorites, but as far as movies you have a watch, yep.  However,

I’d omit:

• District 9
• The Incredibles
• Terminator 2

And add:

• Close Encounters of the Third Kind
• Brainstorm
• Contact

Maybe I’ll discuss this more later.  To provide, you know, reasoning.

I love the guy roughly in the middle (circled) changing lanes. Yeah, that'll help.

This is pretty much my nightmare.  I will drive an hour out of my way to avoid congestion.  My house is under 15 minutes from work and sometimes it still feels like I’m wasting too much time and effort commuting.  I can never ever accept any job that requires a serious (like, 30+ minute) commute.

Two weeks previous, I had endured a moderately painful horsefly bite whilst performing the same chore and was therefore alerted to the possibility of having it happen again.  I assumed the insects at hand were indeed horseflies and I futilely attempted swatting them away.  Then I noticed there were lots of them and they had found my exposed calf flesh and were attacking.  With zeal.  Two got me on the legs at the same time and I probably either cursed in a very manly bear-like way or squealed like a sad kitten, not certain in the haze of combat, but I retreated into the safety of the house.

This is where wasps emerge to sting me when provoked by the lawnmower.

But safe it was not!  I heard them buzzing around me still and I managed to swat one down with my hat.  Examining the corpse I realized I was not battling horseflies, but wasps!  Wait, was I getting stung instead of bitten?  Youch! Another right in the gut.  I got my shirt off and found another ambling around my chest, ostensibly patrolling for tender nexuses of nerves in which to inflict more damage.  I got this one off and found another in my hat before the furious swatting and cursing and stinging battle was ended.   Three casualties on the wasp side, three stings for me.  All throbbing and making me not happy.

What happened?  What had I done to deserve this attack?  After a spell of whining to the sympathetic K, I headed back to the scene of my ambush, coated with insect repellent and armed with a can of wasp killer.  I could find no hives or nests.  Were these just rogue yellowjackets looking for some thrills?  I finished mowing the lawn in fear and anger, keeping the wasp poison in one ready hand.

Eventually I noticed a small hole in the ground buzzing with more wasps.  I had been wondering about these.  I’d seen a few of them in the yard before.  They look like some innocuous hole in the yard. I’d gone right over it with the mower.  No wonder they were angry.  Although I don’t see why I should have been blamed instead of the actual mower.  I guess wasps know to ignore machines in favor of their insidious masters.

Anyway, into this hole I emptied most of a bottle of chemical wasp death.

Before this incident I had been stung by bees, wasps, or hornets I think twice ever.  Now I had three just in this one shot.  Thank you, nature!

Snake skin pieces, next to a padlock for scale

Gosh, that’s right, it’s a snake skin! In my house! Which is just where I want snakes to be!

I haven’t seen its owner. I think Artie has. He’s been acting weird for days and sitting downstairs near where I found the skin as if waiting for its return. This is in the room where we keep the litter boxes. I wonder if he sauntered in there aiming to hit the box and AHHHH!!!!!1!

Seems unlikely that it’s still around. I have no idea what snakes that small would eat. If it’s bugs, the basement will keep him alive indefinitely, but it could also just leave the house for more balanced diet than the trickle of tiny centipedes that have been appearing inside lately. There’s a small (but large enough for a little snake) gap under the door it could have gone out as easily as it presumably came in.

This week, #53, Randy Gradishar.

Drafted in the first round (14th overall) in 1974 by the Broncos, Randy rewarded the team’s high pick by becoming one of the greatest players in franchise history.  Randy became a starting linebacker during his first season with the team and by his second year had made enough of an impact to be named to the Pro Bowl.  By the late 1970s, the Broncos’ defense had become notoriously tough, earning the nickname The Orange Crush.  Randy was one of its most feared defenders, making three straight Pro Bowls from 1977-1979 (he would play in three more in the 1980s, for a total of seven appearances) and earning All Pro honors in 1977 and 1978.  In 1978 he was named the NFL Defensive Player of the Year.  Randy continued his stellar play through his the 1983 season, his tenth and final campaign.  He was inducted into the Broncos’ Ring of Fame in 1989.  He’s also considered one of the greatest players in Ohio State University history, but I don’t hold that against him.

He played in Super Bowl XII, in which the Broncos were pummeled by the Dallas Cowboys 27-10. Note that his Orange Crush defense gave up fewer points than any of the 1980s Super Bowl teams did, by a significant margin.  So, they still lost, of course.  Just by less.

So what makes Randy Gradishar so awesome? I grew up in a Denver Broncos household and my parents were wearing Randy Gradishar warmup shirts on Sundays for years.  So his legacy lived on long past his retirement.  He’s a Hall of Fame-caliber player and has made it as far as being a finalist twice, and even to the final ten, but has not garnered the necessary support to get into the Hall.  Randy is undoubtedly shortchanged by a lack of national recognition.  Linebackers are best remembered by reputation.  Tackles were not kept as an official statistic until 2001, though according to unofficial statistics, Randy remains the all-time NFL leader.  But Randy didn’t have the terrifying demeanor of Jack Lambert, to whom his career often merits comparison.  Further, his team didn’t win Super Bowls like Lambert’s Steelers did.

These days Randy is the Director of Corporate Communications for the Phil Long car dealerships in Colorado.  He has donated his energies to numerous charities and has made several visits to troops overseas.  He seems like a nice dude.

Novel: no vote.  I bailed out of even trying to finish all of these candidates on time, as discussed previously.  I ended up reading two of the six novels, instead favoring reading the other categories I knew I could finish.  I’m planning on reading all of them soon-ish.  It’s a pity, too, because discussing the novels was probably the only chance this post had of being interesting to anyone who might reasonably read this other than me.

Novella:

1. “Palimpsest” by Charles Stross
2. The God Engines by John Scalzi
3. The Women of Nell Gwynne’s by Kage Baker
4. Shambling Towards Hiroshima by James Morrow
5. “Vishnu at the Cat Circus” by Ian McDonald
6. “Act One” by Nancy Kress

This was sort of an odd category.  I had problems with two of the six candidates as even being nominees for a sci-fi/fantasy award.  I tend to like John Scalzi’s definition.  Can’t find it on his blog but the idea was that it’s science fiction if the story could not take place without the science-fictional-or-fantastical aspect.  If you try to re-work Dune to take place on Earth, you fail because the entire (fictional) landscape is intrinsically part of the story.  On the other hand, Michael Chabon’s The Yiddish Policeman’s Union earned a Hugo nomination (and, in fact, a win) because it takes place in an alternate reality where part of Alaska is a Jewish state.  But the above definition I don’t feel like it qualified.  No, an Alaskan Jewish state does not exist, but neither does a giant white whale and its vengeful pursuer.  Fiction does not imply science fiction, but if you stretch the definition enough, it does.  Chabon’s story could have materially happened in a lot of other places or times, to my reading.  Similarly, Baker’s and Morrow’s stories were both really only vaguely science fictional, and what there was probably could have been dropped without much change in the story.  They were both terrific stories, but lost some points with me for not being particularly representative of the genre.  The Scalzi and Stross stories both were great candidates.  Absorbingly written, wonderful ideas.  I ultimately went with “Palimpsest” by a narrow margin.  I just liked the premise and execution just a little bit better.

Novellette:

1. “The Island” by Peter Watts
2. “It Takes Two” by Nicola Griffith
3. “Eros, Philia, Agape” by Rachel Swirsky
4. “Sinner, Baker, Fabulist, Priest; Red Mask, Black Mask, Gentleman, Beast,” by Eugie Foster
5. “One of our Bastards is Missing” by Paul Cornell
6. “Overtime” by Charles Stross

I think this was the toughest overall category.  Really liked all six entries and spent a lot of time debating their merits.  I couldn’t really get over “The Island”, though.  It really blew me away.  Lots of stories have covered the territory of humans swimming through unfathomably long times and distances, but something about Watts’ story captured it in an interesting way that’s really sticking with me.

Short Story:

1. “Bridesicle” by Will McIntosh
2. “The Bride of Frankenstein” by Mike Resnick
3. “Non-Zero Probabilities” by N.K. Jemisin
4. “Spar” by Kij Johnson
5. “The Moment” by Lawrence M. Schoen

Related Work: No vote.  A handful of interesting about-the-genre books I didn’t come close to having time to read.

Graphic Story:

1. Batman: Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader? Written by Neil Gaiman; Pencilled by Andy Kubert; Inked by Scott Williams
2. Girl Genius, Volume 9: Agatha Heterodyne and the Heirs of the Storm Written by Kaja and Phil Foglio; Art by Phil Foglio; Colours by Cheyenne Wright
3. Schlock Mercenary: The Longshoreman of the Apocalypse Written and Illustrated by Howard Tayler
4. Captain Britain And MI13. Volume 3: Vampire State Written by Paul Cornell; Pencilled by Leonard Kirk with Mike Collins, Adrian Alphona and Ardian Syaf
5. Fables Vol 12: The Dark Ages Written by Bill Willingham; Pencilled by Mark Buckingham; Art by Peter Gross and Andrew Pepoy, Michael Allred, David Hahn; Colour by Lee Loughridge and Laura Allred; Letters by Todd Klein

I didn’t want to vote for Neil Gaiman or a Batman story…but just couldn’t honestly argue for any of the others above it.  I did read all of these but it’s a hard category to vote for.  Only Gaiman’s story was a one-shot.  All the others are parts of long series that to truly appreciate I’d have to read all the way from the beginning.

Dramatic Presentation, Long Form (i.e., movies):

1. Moon
2. District 9
3. Up
4. Avatar
5. Star Trek

So I did end up seeing Avatar.  I definitely liked it more than I thought I would, but was mostly right that it wasn’t ultimately the kind of movie I dig.  Star Trek was a fair amount of fun, but mostly loud and stupid, I’m sad to say.  Up probably doesn’t belong here (of course it was good, but not a favorite).  District 9 was affecting, if a little gory for my taste.  Nah, Moon is the easy winner.  Quite good and definitely the kind of movie I want to see so much more of.  They just don’t make these kinds of movies all that much: low budget, emphasis on story and performance.  Make more!  Entertain me!

Dramatic Presentation, Short Form: No vote.  I’ve seen a few of the Dr. Who episodes that were up for this, but haven’t seen the other shows and am totally not up to speed on my SF TV watching, so I didn’t think I was qualified to give this category due consideration.  I’m sure plenty of other voters have me covered.

Also no vote: editor (long form), editor (short form), professional artist, semiprozine, fan writer, fanzine, fan artist, Campbell Award (best new writer).  Not qualified to judge any of these to my satisfaction.  I was tempted to vote for Shaun Tan for the artist category despite this fact, because I love some of his books so much.

This week, #76, Ken Lanier.

Ken Lanier wearing some tall socks and putting a shot at FSU

Ken was a critical member of the Broncos’ revolutionary offensive line of the 1980s.  He was drafted in the 5th round of the 1981 draft and spent all but one of his fourteen years with the team.  He generally played right tackle.  Like Keith Bishop (previously featured on KNOW YOUR 1980s DENVER BRONCOS), Ken was lighter and more athletic than the typical offensive lineman of his day.  He fit in with the club’s approach of eschewing oversized players in favor of more athletic lineman.  Year after year the team had one of the lightest lines in the league.  Their more nimble offensive line specialized in zone blocking techniques (very effective for creating running lanes but not without controversy).  His athleticism had helped him become a two-sport star at Florida State, and his 1979 school shot put record still stands*.

He played in Super Bowl XXI, in which the Broncos were pummeled by the New York Giants 39-20, Super Bowl XXII, in which the Broncos were pummeled by the Washington Native Americans 42-10, and Super Bowl XXIV, in which the Broncos were pummeled by the San Francisco 49ers 55-10.

So what makes Ken Lanier so awesome? Longevity and reliability.  Thirteen years as a Bronco, plus from 1982-1992 he missed only five starts.  This continued a trend he’d begun during his college years, where he was known as the Ironman for starting 46 straight games (every single game of his college career).

After retirement from football, Ken embarked on numerous business ventures in the Denver area.  Unfortunately they have not been as successful as his playing career.  A recent Rocky Mountain News profile detailed his declaration of bankruptcy owing to compounding business debts.  Hopefully Ken (and the rest of the economy) will pull through, like a right tackle plowing over an overmatched defensive end.

*According to the FSU fan site I found the shot put picture at and my copy of the 1982 Broncos’ Yearbook.  So it seems possible his record may have since been bested.