Answers to Cliched Questions

Is it true that if you love someone you should set them free?
Yes. However, you may continue to live in their closet.

Is one bird in the hand really worth two in the bush?
Usually. The birds living in the bush are more often than not filthy gutter creatures who would peck your eyes out if it meant receiving a tasty garnish to their usual lunch of puppies and assorted entrails. This has been my experience, anyway. I prefer to keep the bird in hand, and cook it at about 375 for 15 minutes per pound, garnishing it with parsley and garlic, served with crisp romaine lettuce.

Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
If thrown at an appropriate velocity. I joke, but of course this is a serious issue. Once they’ve caught you, chances are good you will be bitten and turned into a doctor yourself. The only certain way of avoiding doctors is to stay indoors at night, since they can only enter your house if invited. But if you must leave, wear a necklace of apples around your neck to ward off any doctors you encounter. The apples will typically cause doctors to recoil and hiss, at which time you may strike with a syringe to the heart.

Why are elephants afraid of mice?
Mice nibble. Elephants hate that.

Is it true that guys seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses?
Since I have a thing for girls with glasses, you can be assured of my caring, truthful response: Yes, this is unequivocally true. Girls wearing glasses can be assured of a life of being ignored by any other worthwhile guys and should therefore get in touch with me as soon as possible.

Is there really harm in counting one’s eggs before they hatch?
No. Enjoy. Count your eggs with haste and gusto. The only danger is the slight risk of salmonella poisoning or zombie curses.

Is breaking a mirror worth seven years’ bad luck?
No, it’s just expensive and sharp. Please don’t walk in here until I’ve swept up.

Does a rolling stone gather no moss?
The reality is that stones often gather moss regardless of state of motion. Though most of the moss accumulation is found on or about Keith Richards. Of course, this does not apply to specific classes of stones, such as asteroids, which are found hurtling through space at significant fractions of the speed of light. Only highly advanced spacefaring mosses might be gathered in that case, and generally only under laboratory conditions.

‘Tis it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
Hell no. If you’re lucky enough to be single, unwanting, and unwilling, enjoy your freedom in total. Bask in the knowledge that relationships are merely self-esteem vacuums and you’re ultimately better off remaining isolated, preferably behind some sort of protective plastic barrier.

If you cannot beat them, should you join them?
Yes. Knowing that you are strapped to a losing squad will do you no good. Abandon them immediately and fully and transfer your loyalties to the winning side. This will make you popular and you’re sure to get a date for the prom. The alternative devious option is to feign loyalty to the winning side just long enough to garner their trust, then WHAM!

A fool and his money: as soon parted as reported?
Still looking into this one. Please submit research grants or other cliched questions here.

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