Lewis and Clark: The Lost Tales

Lewis and Clark and the Shoes of Injustice
Clark develops an annoying habit of stepping on the back of Lewis’ shoe while walking. Eventually, Lewis snaps and leaves the expedition. Clark presumes he will never see Lewis again, but for the remainder of his life manages to lose shoes over and over again, even when he leaves them securely in his own cabin at night. Realizing that Lewis has either placed some sort of curse on him, or, more directly, has been secretly stealing all of his shoes for years, Clark finally snaps as well and flees into the wilderness. By chance, the two meet in the mountains late in their lives and settle the dispute with a final, dramatic bowie-knife duel.

A Completely Original Science Fiction Interpretation of Lewis and Clark
Clark reveals himself to be a cyborg from the future, bent on assassinating Lewis to prevent certain future events from unraveling. With the help of an aggressively buff Sacagawea, Lewis combats and ultimately defeats Cyber-Clark by luring him into a sawmill and crushing him in a large and otherwise-useless crushing machine.

Lewis and Clark Disagree
Lewis claims that cats make better pets. Clark argues for dogs. Finally, after many months of philosophical and practical argument, the two resolve the argument somewhere along the Missouri (dogs are definitively proved superior). Though Lewis’ feelings are hurt, the two settle their differences peacefully. Clark refrains from gloating at his victory, but Lewis secretly hates him forever.

Lewis and Clark Sing ‘Til It Hurts
Lewis is slowly driven mad by Clark’s insistence upon bursting into song at every remarkable vista or Indian encounter. Despite the catchiness of such tunes as “Like a Yellow Stone”, “Sacagawea Night Fever”, and “Crossin’ Rivers (My Britches are Wet Again)”, Lewis eventually threatens to abandon Clark in North Dakota if he keeps it up.

Love on the Prairie
Lewis and Clark slowly realize they’ve fallen in love with the same member of their crew: Earl “Riptide” McGee, an enormous woodsman who has saved each of their lives on numerous occasions. After two comic scenes in which Lewis and Clark confess their devotion to Riptide, and Riptide in turn is compelled to kick the crap out of each of them for their presumption and aggressiveness, they realize that what they’ve sought after all along is each other.

The One Where Clark Tells a Fish Story
Clark tells Lewis that he is dying of scurvy one night to get out of fish-gutting. Wackiness ensues as Clark tries to maintain the illusion for the rest of the two and a half year expedition.

Lewis and Clark: After the Apocalypse
Lewis and Clark return to civilization only to find it wiped out by departed alien invaders. Lewis declares himself Interim King of Earth and Clark devotes his energies to creating a future defense utilizing available technology. Despite the Interim King’s confidence in Clark’s Acorn Hurler, Clark knows it is unlikely to thwart spacefaring alien technology. Will the aliens return? And when they do, will they recognize Lewis’ self-appointed worldwide authority any more than the Indians who mock him daily?

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