Animals from the Future...and the Amazing Jevon Kearse
Part II of BuriedintheNoise-dot-com's Super Bowl XXXVII Coverage

From warm, tropical San Diego (or so I keep telling myself), Super Bowl coverage continues.

First, Animals from the Future!

Long accepted as indisputable fact, scorpions are loathsome, vile creatures. Perhaps the single creepiest animals in existence. Now, we have another reason to fear and loathe them. They can set their venom to stun or kill. Outside of documented Star Trek technology, nothing like this exists. The conclusion? Scorpions are from the Future.

We already have many reasons to hate scorpions:
--Pincers --Stingers --Extremely ugly --Totally disgusting --More legs than is necessary or accepted in 'better' circles

Now it seems that even though they've already been granted more natural weapons then they in any way deserve, there is even more to find unappealling. With such an advantage in pure wanton nastiness over every other member of the animal kingdom, one must concede that scorpions have in some way separated themselves unnaturally. I theorize that scorpions, using a combination of (1) being ugly and (2) being disgusting, managed to transport themselves into the future for some sort of bio-weapons upgrade. Then they returned to the present to continue their pre-appointed task of finding their way into our shoes and between our sheets and scaring the hell out of us. Even worse, they apparently have power rivaling only starship captains, who earned the privelege of deciding who dies and who is merely stunned only after years of extensive training and Kobayashi Maru scenarios. No such hard work for the hated scorpion. So, if you are not already doing so, I urge you to begin hating scorpions immediately. Thank you, and check your shoes before you put them on.

On to other vile things, the Oakland Raiders. Ha-ha, a friendly jab from the safety of my plexiglass booth and scorpion traps (set to "kill," incidentally). Today we had intended to welcome one of the most respected defensive players in the game, Tennessee Titans' Defensive End Jevon Kearse. However, Jevon blew us off for ESPN and assorted southern California babes. Instead, we have Jevon's all-purpose errand boy, Kevin.

Thanks for being here, Kevin.
Happy to help out. Your booth is awesome, man! Wow...Playstation, Twinkies...I get one right? That was the deal, right?

Yep. Help yourself.
Thanks. By the way, Jevon didn't blow you off. He's actually doing some writing down at the beach.

Oh, I see. All right, Kevin. So how did you get the errand boy gig with Jevon Kearse?
Well, I lived in the dorm room across from him at Florida. And I'd usually end up fixing stuff he accidentally broke. The dude's like 6-6, 280, so the cheap dorm furniture lived in mortal fear of him.

Did you take any classes with him?
No, I wish I had though. He left early, but he was acing everything. He majored in communications or something, but a lot of times I'd go over there and he be surrounded with physics books, just reading.

Wow, I guess all that NCAA-sponsored study help comes in handy.
I guess. But he didn't need it. One time I got this cold and he heard me sniffling, so he comes over and tells me to drink this stuff he made. I didn't really know what it was, but it smelled pretty good so I drank it. Tasted kind of like a mixture of chamomile tea and Gatorade. But the next day the cold was totally gone.

So Jevon Kearse was a physics ace and also created a drink that cures the common cold?
Absolutely. It's a shame that he's so good at football, because he could have done anything else. Unfortunately our society drives those with marketable physical attributes towards careers that ultimately leave them dissatisfied with their lives.

Indeed. How's that Twinkie?
It's good, thanks.

So how did the relationship develop into what it is now?
Well, without Jevon's help I couldn't keep up in my classes at all. So he offered to give me the job after he got drafted by the Titans. Plus...well, I sort of owe him my life. You see, I got mixed up with some of the other Florida players when I was there. Most of them weren't like Jevon at all. They'd be throwing these monster parties with under-the-table alumni gifts and Jevon would be home reading literary journals. Anyway, one night I went to a really crazy party. A few guys got yammering at each other and one pulled a gun, it went off, and I got hit in the thigh. No one knew what to do, and none of them wanted to get busted so they drove me back to the dorm. Jevon found me in the stairwell, and he carried me back upstairs. He gave me some sort of herbal brew again, and it knocked me out. When I came around, I was in my bed. My leg was bandaged up, and the bullet was in a little glass jar on my table. I could have bled to death, but Jevon saved me.

That's amazing! Who knew Jevon Kearse was so talented?
Yeah. NFL honors mean next to nothing for him. Heck, he gave most of his signing bonus to orphans...Anyway, I need to get going. Jevon asked me to pick up Harper's for him so he'd have something to read tonight.

I understand. Thanks for your time, Kevin.
No problem. Thanks for the Twinkie.

Jevon Kearse: genius, gifted herbalist, friend of humanity, and 1999 NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year.

Coverage continues tomorrow from lovely San Diego, California (or so I keep telling myself), as we examine other highly anticipated yearly sporting events.

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