Day Three at the Republican Fundraiser

Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen? Hello. Your featured speaker will be out in a moment.

I just wanted to introduce our guest for this evening and give you a few pointers for listening. If you have any questions, please save them for the end and I’ll see about having you removed. Ha-ha. Oh, okay, not that kind of crowd. I see. Sorry.

As you all know, we had a very difficult time, well, encouraging our guest to attend tonight’s event. He can be easily confused by spotlights or tables—well, anything round. Large groups of people, the mental taxation of continued pronunciation, unexpected movement, noises, and shifts in air pressure or temperature have all been known to upset him. And without explicit material typewritten on lined, white 3x5 note cards, he tends to wander off topic into numerous off-color or violent anecdotes. Given that this is a charity function, I think we’d all be better off to stay away from any streaking or vomiting stories.

I do have to ask a few things from you, as tonight’s special guests. We are very sorry for the inconvenience, but that’s why we only bring out the lemon bars afterwards, ha-ha. So that everyone can enjoy a calm and pleasant evening free of shrieking, podium kicking, or mooning, please strictly follow these ground rules.

First, please try your best to avoid getting up during the performance. This will almost certainly confuse our speaker and he’s likely to freeze up on us.

Second, if you can, please do not whisper to each other. I know this may be difficult and is probably more of a habit than any of us realize during a public event in a setting like this. But make it a point to communicate through silently jotting notes to each other on the napkins we have generously stocked each table with. Any sort of pre-arranged system of blinking or nasal flaring is also acceptable. If you’re sticking with napkins, I’d ask you to take out your pens now and uncap them if applicable. Removing them during the speech will undoubtedly distract our speaker as he has a penchant for shiny plastic objects. If you have only clicking pens, for god’s sake don’t play with them during the talk. That probably goes without saying, but I’m sorry it’s my duty to mention it.

Third, bodily noises will probably be considered humorous by our speaker no matter how subtly cloaked or common they are. Naturally, this includes any of the more traditionally comic gaseous outbursts. However, it also includes repeated throat clearing and wetter coughs. Should your nasal cavity be known to emit a high-pitched decompression squeal after blowing your nose, I caution you now of possible disastrous results. If anyone feels they might be susceptible to accidentally creating any distracting noises such as those I’ve discussed, we are pleased to provide a complimentary muffin basket if you opt to leave before our speaker begins.

Cell phones absolutely need to be turned off. I realize we have several doctors in the room tonight, and should any of you be required to leave your phones on, please take a few moments now to at least be sure your phone will not play any potentially humorous novelty rings. ‘Baby Elephant Walk’ or ‘La Cucaracha’ are particularly important examples to avoid.

We are expecting tonight’s speech to last approximately forty minutes, not including unscheduleable rambling time. Should the speech last significantly less than that—say, on the order of two or three minutes—this is most likely the result of our guest having become profoundly disoriented. In that case, we ask that you remain seated and applaud fully as you would had the entire speech taken place. This will be awkward, we realize. But more often than not after he returns backstage we can trick him into coming back out and speaking again if we all pretend he hasn’t yet begun. Then it’s a decent bet he’ll do better the second time around. He’ll recognize the room and crowd as being somehow familiar and feel more comfortable. On the other hand, if rambling time goes on too excessively, you may feel the speech dragging and be tempted to do any of the things we have already discussed, such as whispering, getting up, or making any sort of noise. Please try and maintain composure. Rest assured we have planted several audience members charged with asking programmed questions designed to steer our speaker in a predictable direction. He will then likely come to a familiar conclusion and wrap up.

One other important scenario involves the question forum near the conclusion of the speech. As must be evident by now, our speaker is quite easily broken of his concentration and the forum may be skipped if he overrambles or simply forgets. We apologize in advance if the audience’s participation is not included in tonight’s events. More important, we must urge all scheduled questioners to read precisely the query you pre-selected during the salad course. With the extensive...um...preparation necessary for our speaker, any improvised questions could generate unpredictable results. Our speaker can then be somewhat prone to fainting. Once he even pulled some ninja stars out and…well, you can understand that he gets upset. So that everyone can enjoy a calm and pleasant evening, please continue to practice your questions as typed, as you should have been throughout the entree and coffee. Though I remind you that you’ll have to cease practice when our speaker comes out in order to avoid potential whispering. If you are unsure of your ability to read your question exactly as written, in an even, emotionless tone, and without stumbling over any words, do not hesitate to skip asking your question. I must emphasize faulting in any capacity may put any audience members sitting at the front tables in significant danger.

As an emergency measure, several safety words can be uttered that will immediately lull our speaker into a harmless—and quite dreamless—nap. Our apologies in advance should the evening end prematurely as a result of the use of any safety words. For your information, the more commonly used safety words are gelatin, conquistador, marshmallow, and Holstein. Though if you stick to the language on your question cards, none of these should come up.

Thank you again for your assistance. I see our speaker is ready to come out so please cover your silverware with your napkins, remove and hide your eyeglasses, and enjoy our special guest...

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