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My wife Kristen, who, along with being very cool and very smart, keeps a pop music blog. Recently she posted her Top 90 songs of the ’90s. For any self-aware entities familiar with the concept of music, is worth a read and a listen. We should also make it clear at this point that she is way better at writing about music than me.

(Edit: I’ve also now done an ’80s list.)

The two of us talk about music a lot, and are obsessed with countdowns. So we have frequently discussed putting together lists like this. But she actually followed through, so has inspired me to commit to the effort. I believed it would be fairly easy. I was super wrong. All of the qualifications and difficulties Kristen discussed w/r/t her list are thoroughly in play for me, too. Limiting to just 90 songs meant hundreds of very good songs didn’t make the cut, so I’m pretty much only including songs I’ve had obsessions about at some point. It’s impossible to really balance what I liked the most then vs. what I like the most now vs. what I’ve actually listened to the most vs. what is the Most 1990s For Me. All of those categories are represented here. Every time I revisited my list I rearranged things a little, so I have had to force myself to accept it will never be perfect, just good enough. So it’s in no way a permanent list, rather more like a snapshot of how I feel on March 25, 2018. Anyway, these are just some dude’s opinions, a dude who leans alt-rock/shoegaze as favorite genres, but dabbles across genres. I have absolutely overlooked things accidentally or on purpose, and under- or over-rated things throughout.

So here’s the list, with some commentary. Here’s the Spotify playlist.

Made some revisions October 2019. These are reflected on the playlist but not below.

  1. Whale – “Hobo Humpin’ Slobo Babe”

    • I thought Kristen’s choice of Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy” made for a fantastic #90. I like a good flyer pick for the last choice off the board. So I’m going with Whale’s nutty “Hobo Humpin’ Slobo Babe.” Whale are a bunch of weird Swedes that perhaps knew English. I pay little or no attention to lyrics, as my choices will eventually make clear, so I can forgive some good nonsense, but, my, what nonsense. The video is no less clarifying, which mostly consists of them wandering around a coal pit mugging for the camera. Still, it was an important song for me. I spent the early ’90s (i.e. high school) getting cleansed of my early indoctrination to Top 40, and Whale’s raucous bit of fun was an example of something that I loved and would never, ever sniff mainstream acceptance. Also worth noting that I generally hate all screaming vocals, so the fact that this one gets a little screamy is quite atypical.
  2. Spacehog – “In The Meantime”
  3. Toad the Wet Sprocket – “Fall Down”
  4. En Vogue – “My Lovin’ (You’re Never Gonna Get It) ”
  5. Cypress Hill – “Insane in the Brain”

    • Thoroughly childish. But so, so fun. I love that there is a vocal group whose entire concept is: we have one guy with a piercingly high-pitched nasal screech, and another guy who just repeats what the first guy says, with a peculiar vocal strain that sounds like he’s always attempting to lift a fridge. And it somehow works. Music is amazing.
  6. Hole – “Doll Parts”
  7. Red Hot Chili Peppers – “Breaking the Girl”
  8. Green Day – “Geek Stink Breath”

    • Some of these choices represent full albums. Insomniac was probably my most-listened-to Green Day.
  9. Pearl Jam – “Release”

    • My PJ interest begins and ends with Ten, but it was a major album for me, so this is the first of three entries in my list. This one is the closing track and not a single, but always really dug the melody.
  10. Snow – “Informer”
  11. Nirvana – “Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle”

    • Another full album representative. If I was ranking albums, In Utero would be higher. Hard to pick any one song so I’ll go with a deep cut that never got much attention.
  12. Guns N’ Roses – “November Rain”

    • I can’t believe how well GNR has held up. I thought this was so ridiculous back in the day. It still sort of is. But these guys are as much geniuses as they are idiots. Slash’s guitar performance is an all-timer.
  13. Arrested Development – “Tennessee”
  14. Hum – “Green To Me”
  15. Oasis – “Wonderwall”
  16. Magnapop – “Firebrand”

    • Magnapop is one of about a billion alt-rock groups with one or zero songs most anyone remembers. But Rubbing Doesn’t Help album is a quintessential ’90s favorite.
  17. Primus – “Tommy the Cat”

    • Primus headlines the category of “Bands I Was Super Into When I Was Younger But Never Ever Listen To Anymore.” I still appreciate their talent and creativity but no longer have a niche for extended jams about disgusting food. Still, I owe “Tommy the Cat” a place in my list.
  18. Weezer – “Pink Triangle”
  19. Digable Planets – “Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)”
  20. Lenny Kravitz – “Are You Gonna Go My Way?”
  21. Screaming Trees – “Butterfly”
  22. Cornershop – “Brimful of Asha”

    • I think Cornershop is generally considered a one-hit wonder (at least in the U.S.), but the whole album is a rock/Indian/electronic fusion delight. I’ve actually recently discovered their larger catalog, and have been really digging them.
  23. Nirvana – “Sliver”

    • In high school, all Nirvana CDs were on constant rotation. Over time, I sort of played out each one and they disappeared from the regular rotation. The Incesticide compilation is what comes back out the most, as it turns out.
  24. Oasis – “Champagne Supernova”

    • I didn’t get Britpop at all at the time, but (with help from a lot of exposure via Kristen) I’ve come around on it completely. I don’t have a solid Blur vs. Oasis vs. Pulp opinion, and though I like tons of all their songs, Oasis is the only one that ultimately made the top 90 cut (twice).
  25. Weezer – “Only In Dreams”

    • 1994 Josh cites the Blue Album as his favorite record.
  26. Faith No More – “Midlife Crisis”

    • The ’90s were post-peak for FNM but they were still putting out some solid stuff.
  27. Catherine Wheel – “Balloon”

    • Your warning shot that a lot more shoegaze is coming.
  28. U2 – “Zooropa”

    • My U2 fandom peaked in the early ’90s, but survives through Zooropa. I didn’t discover Brian Eno until I was older, and he’s among my favorites now, so it’s not really surprising that I latched onto this album, perhaps their most Eno-est. Otherwise I think it’s a generally unusual choice for a favorite U2 album, its singles were weird experiments and as a whole has decidedly mixed reviews. But I think it established a template for Radiohead’s postmodern languor and I continue to listen to it. I’ll go with the title track/opener for my list.
  29. Ned’s Atomic Dustbin – “Happy”

    • Tough call on which Ned’s song to include. Could’ve rolled with “Grey Cell Green” or “Walking Through Syrup.” They’d be on a slightly longer list.
  30. Hum – “Little Dipper”
  31. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones – “Where’d You Go?”
  32. Green Day – “Longview”
  33. Bel Biv DeVoe – “Poison”
  34. Urge Overkill – “Positive Bleeding”
  35. REM – “What’s the Frequency Kenneth?”
  36. The Lemonheads – “Confetti”
  37. Sponge – “Molly (Sixteen Candles)”
  38. Liz Phair – “Supernova”
  39. Spin Doctors – “Two Princes”

    • I really hate the decades-later trite hipster slamming of certain music of the time that seems maybe like too sincerely 1990s. Hootie and the Blowfish and the Spin Doctors both come to mind as regular targets of such Pitchfork-ish smarm. One can like them or not, but this usually arrives in the form of lazy, un-nuanced bashing. I don’t know why I’m even reacting to Pitchfork, honestly. That’s just what they want me to do. I’m just saying that, given how there’s a pretty reliable correlation between positive Pitchfork ratings and male band members’ beard lengths, you’d think they’d be into the Spin Doctors.
  40. REM – “Ignoreland”
  41. Lush – “Sweetness and Light”

    • You are all lucky I don’t have 12 Lush songs in here. As a shoegaze staple, more are coming.
  42. Catherine Wheel – “Flower to Hide”

    • And 12 Catherine Wheel songs, for that matter. Also more coming.
  43. Lilys – “Tone Bender”
  44. Boyz II Men – “Motownphilly”
  45. Semisonic – “Closing Time”
  46. Naughty By Nature – “OPP”
  47. AC/DC – “Thunderstruck”

    • I’m not an AC/DC fan as a rule but feel very strongly about this track. A full post about it has been in draft form for about a year. When I can satisfactorily articulate my complex opinions about it, I will complete the post and publish it.
  48. Polaris – “Hey Sandy”

    • This is the theme song from The Adventures of Pete and Pete. I’m not trying to capture what I liked during the ’90s with this list. In fact, I never even watched Pete & Pete until Kristen introduced me to it in maybe 2008 or 9. But it was an instant favorite. It no doubt gets a boost from associations with the show and watching with K, but it’s still a good song (and a really good album as a whole).
  49. Ben Folds Five – “Army”
  50. Pearl Jam – “Alive”
  51. Ride – “OX4”
  52. Smashing Pumpkins – “Hummer”

    • This is a similar choice to “Frances Farmer…” and “Only in Dreams” in that I’m using it to represent full great albums, and by coincidence, my actual favorite track wasn’t one of the singles.
  53. Skee-Lo – “I Wish”

    • Never heard this song until maybe 2-3 years ago. It’s amazing. Rock and hip-hop have a lot of braggadocio that I don’t really care for generally. This one is Skee-Lo’s lament about being short, stinking at basketball, and having a crappy car. Also it’s groovy as hell.
  54. Radiohead – “Creep”

    • Most ’90s lists have 1-3 songs entitled “Creep.”
  55. Luna – “23 Minutes in Brussels”
  56. Hum – “The Scientists”
  57. Catherine Wheel – “Show Me Mary”
  58. New Radicals – “You Get What You Give”
  59. Beck – “Loser”
  60. REM – “Man on the Moon”
  61. Blind Melon – “No Rain”

    • I bought a Blind Melon t-shirt in high school. Usually I dressed pretty standard for the period—flannels, jeans, Chuck Taylors. The Blind Melon shirt unnaturally stood out among the rest of the rotation and taught me about observation bias. Every time I wore it people noticed my clothing, and they didn’t notice otherwise, ergo, everyone thought it was the only thing I ever wore and teased me about it. I don’t know what the lesson is. High school is stupid, maybe.
  62. Liz Phair – “Polyester Bride”
  63. Radiohead – “Let Down”
  64. TLC – “Waterfalls”
  65. Deee-Lite – “Groove is in the Heart”

    • We often hang out with our neighbors on New Year’s because (a) they are nice, fun people we like and (b) no way I’m driving anywhere on New Year’s. One year we listened to an extended countdown of the greatest party songs of all time on the radio. We had certain disagreements with the list, so we brought together a list of our own personal favorites the next year. All four of us, with a variety of musical interests and backgrounds, brought this song. Hence: Greatest Party Song of All Time.
  66. Everclear – “Santa Monica”
  67. Presidents – “Peaches”

    • The greatest song about food ever?
  68. Alice in Chains – “Would?”
  69. Ride – “Leave Them All Behind”
  70. The Sundays – “Here’s Where the Story Ends”
  71. Harvey Danger – “Flagpole Sitta”
  72. Screaming Trees – “Nearly Lost You”
  73. They Might Be Giants – “The Statue Got Me High”

    • It’s hard to compare TMBG to anything not-TMBG, so I decided to settle for only one from them on this list. There could be…a lot.
  74. Sponge – “Plowed”

    • The Rotting Pinata album is bloody brilliant, but still overlooked, despite having two singles a lot of genre fans would recognize.
  75. Pearl Jam – “Even Flow”
  76. Lush – “Nothing Natural”
  77. That Dog – “Hawthorne”

    • Another lost gem album alert.
  78. The Breeders – “Invisible Man”
  79. A Tribe Called Quest – “Scenario”
  80. Nirvana – “Come As You Are”

    • I mean, almost anything off Nevermind is fine here.
  81. Pavement – “Cut Your Hair”
  82. James – “Laid”
  83. Catherine Wheel – “Crank”

    • If I have one 1990s music cause, it’s that Catherine Wheel deserved better. Go listen to Ferment, Chrome, and Happy Days now please.
  84. All Natural Lemon & Lime Flavors – “Your Imagination”

    • “All Natural Lemon & Lime Flavors” might have the worst band name on my list. They are also lost to obscurity: they don’t even have a Wikipedia page. But they have (at least) three excellent psychedelic/electronic/shoegaze albums. This track is a noise monster.
  85. Cracker – “Low”
  86. Pavement – “Summer Babe (Winter Version)”
  87. Ride – “Vapour Trail”
  88. My Bloody Valentine – “Only Shallow”

    • My all-time favorite band. I find it hard to rank individual songs for them, so I’ll tuck the best Loveless representative here behind two others that meant a bit more as singles.
  89. Hum – “Stars”

    • I settled on three songs on this list from one of my favorites, the painfully underappreciated Hum. ’90s alt-rock enthusiasts might remember this one, maybe. I got obsessed with them.
  90. The Breeders – “Cannonball”

    • My ultimate ’90s song: important to me, and importantly OF the ’90s. It was a gateway drug into a wider world of music that wasn’t strictly radio-friendly, that didn’t make sense on the surface, but went for some deeper, lasting level.

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Sisko and the Grand Nagus' staff (on loan)S3E18, “Distant Voices” (story: Joe Menosky)

This is the one where Bashir gets old. Well, just in his mind. He gets zapped by some jerk alien and has to navigate a weird dream state where he is aging rapidly and encountering all the characters as representations of different parts of his mind, which is an excuse for them to break out of character and do weird stuff. The aging aspect, however, is brought on by his expressed anxiety about turning 30.

I really like how they’ve developed Bashir so far in the series, to the point where he can carry a full show easily now, without having to make it actually  about how someone else can’t stand him. He started out as know-it-all borderline-creepy kinda sexual harasser but has evolved into Good Guy Julian. One wonders if this was always the plan for him, or they were smart enough to realize it wasn’t working early on, and consciously steered him to a better place. At least he stayed on the show. I feel bad for characters (well, their portrayers, really) who are there to start but it just doesn’t work. My wife and I are watching Parks and Recreation right now, and the days of Mark Brandanowitz are long, long gone. I have done zero research on why the character went away (like if the actor left on his own or not), but it just seems like it found its groove when Ben & Chris showed up and they’d run out of steam with Mark anyway. At least they gave him the dignity of a written departure. I’m also slowly re-watching Newsradio and two regulars weren’t in the pilot. Instead they had an off-brand Joe and Katherine. The series regulars showed up in episode two, and in an act of standard sitcom suspension of disbelief, we accept that no one noticed they were completely different humans. So back to DS9, long-term character growth is a difficult thing—it’s hard enough for a staff of writers to consistently present a character who isn’t changing—but they’ve pulled it off. Plus it’s more than just evolving Julian, you have to have all the other characters come around to like him too, which has been painstakingly done over almost three seasons now.

I’ve also gotten to really like Siddig El Fadil as an actor, he’s got some natural comic timing–maybe not quite on par with Rene Auberjonois but at least up there with Armin Shimerman. He also has some impressive range, as is required for any Trek cast member getting routinely possessed by alien lifeforms, magic love spells, or, in this case, subject to rapid aging. This episode’s premise had some potential to get silly. It does, a little, on purpose, but that’s different. I mean like, the whole thing being silly, when Julian’s life was actually in some legit danger. But he carries the episode and sells it. I approved.

Some stuff:

  • We learn that in Cardassian mystery stories, everyone is always guilty. The pleasure is figuring out who’s guilty of what, per Garak. This implies that on Cardassia, the movie Clue has been edited to only have ending C. Having extra murderers while still administering proper justice has established it as a cult classic there, too.
  • Bashir is only 30? Most doctors are barely done with medical school at 30, and that’s only if they go straight through. Not only has he already become an experienced doctor, but he’s getting major award nominations. This is either sort of a timing oversight for the character or I take back all the nice things I said about him.
  • I knew Siddig El Fadil was professionally known these days as Alexander Siddig. I did not know that he was going to start being credited that way next season. Also, he colloquially goes by “Sid.”

Overall: I’m not sure this is a good episode, but I liked it. It helps that I like Sid. But the story kept moving and was well-constructed. This is exactly the same kind of story that might be in TOS and be boring as hell. 4 out of 5.

S3E19, “Through the Looking Glass” (story: Ira Steven Behr & Robert Hewitt Wolfe)

The door to returning to the mirror universe was left open back in “Crossover” both in a literal sense, i.e., they know how to modify the teleporters to travel between them, and from a storytelling standpoint, i.e., when we decide it might be interesting to pop back over. Well, it’s time. Parallel O’Brien shows up, cleverly disguised as regular O’Brien, and forces Sisko to return to the mirror universe with him to help with a mission. (We never see what happened with regular O’Brien. Perhaps he got stunned by his parallel counterpart, or maybe he showed up on the bridge a minute later all, “Hey what’d I miss?”) Parallel O’Brien appeals to Sisko for help because the rebellion is doomed unless they can stop the Klingon/Cardassian alliance from completing work on a special sensor that will ferret them all out, like, immediately. Plus parallel Sisko was just killed, so it’d be easy to swap in our Sisko. And the kicker: the scientist developing the sensor is parallel Jennifer Sisko. In our universe, as is well-established, Jennifer has been dead for five years. In mirror universe she’s still alive, and actually also married to parallel Sisko, but only technically, because they hate each other and haven’t seen each other for years. So it’s some dirty pool from parallel O’Brien, but he also promises to return Sisko home if he can help them with this.

I love a good “only in sci fi” kinda setup, and this one’s like three layers deep. The trick is having it be as crazy as possible, while still being internally consistent. This one works great. Sisko can help some good guys while also having a chance to see his wife (in some form) again. And it makes for a fun episode, mostly for the hammy performances by the regulars. Sisko falls right into the swashbuckling space pirate role. Like, right into it. He’s instantly bellowing with swagger. I had to pause it and make a comment to Kristen about how easily he turned it on. She theorized that perhaps Sisko has this inside him all the time, he just represses it. More and more this season, that seems true. Similarly, Kira is in full-on vixen mode, toying with friends and enemies alike, and Bashir fills the weasel role, trying to usurp power in (he thinks) Sisko’s absence, only to get put in his place by a solid punch to the face.

The Ben/Jennifer scenes work pretty well, too. Really, really weird for Sisko. I’m not sure how Avery Brooks prepares for that really. “OK so it’s my wife, who perished years ago in a fire, and I get to see her again. I’m so happy! But she’s not actually my wife, kind of just a replica. So I’m sad! Though she married replica me, so there must be something there. I’m happy again! But she hates me. I’m sad!” Is it realistic that he’s able to convince her to join the rebellion? I’d say, probably—it’s established that her heart isn’t in the job and parallel Kira is some kind of terrible boss. But Sisko’s charm sells it, even if she knows something’s off with him.

Morn watch: Quark and Morn are busted for running an illegal vole-fighting ring. Although Odo and Sisko apparently lack concrete proof that was happening—Quark claims they are Morn’s pets. So all they can do is order them to dispose of the voles. Quark appeals to their sympathetic sides, claiming Morn loves the voles. “Poor Morn. This is gonna break his hearts.” Unpacking this gem:

  • Hearts! Morn has >1 heart. That’s why he’s so full of love?
  • Unclear why Morn actually doesn’t even appear. Maybe they were over budget for this episode and didn’t want to get Morn all suited up. Or maybe the line works better without Morn in the room. Either it’s funnier that way or Morn isn’t such a convincing liar. Wait, Quark’s lies are terrible, as usual. I dunno.

Overall: I think they’re handling the mirror universe well so far. Curious if it’ll come up again, particularly if our Sisko or parallel Jennifer would ever want to cross over for the other. But anyway, a really good one. 5 out of 5.

S3E20/21, “Improbable Cause/The Die is Cast” (story: Robert Lederman & David R. Long/Ronald D. Moore)

I always wonder about actors who play secondary characters that develop into such interesting roles that they may as well be regulars. Do they start getting perturbed they don’t get promoted to the main credits? I’m not sure that Garak doesn’t have more appearances that Jake at this point. I think he’s definitely more interesting than Jake—and maybe Dax for that matter—not that they are uninteresting, either. Just that Garak has been more developed, I guess because whatever the heck is going on with him almost always means something w/r/t the overall DS9 situation. Whereas Jake stories revolve around petty schemes with Nog or awkward teenage relationships, and Dax is usually just dealing with some weird Trill thing.

This pair of episodes serves as a crucial pivot point for Garak, with some actual resolution about his life satisfaction aboard DS9. We also learn much more about his relationship with the Cardassians and with Enebran Tain. And importantly, he finally gets called out for his habitual lying, insinuation, and obfuscation: Odo accuses him of being the boy who cries wolf, and unlike the overly polite Bashir, has had enough of it. Speaking of Odo, it’s a crucial pair of shows for him, too. He unravels the mystery of “Improbable Cause” and links Garak back to his DS9 life throughout “The Die is Cast.” We further learn that his feelings towards the Founders are not clear at all, at a fundamental level he wishes things were such that could join them. But both guys have the same problems. For one thing, they are genuinely attached to their lives on DS9, and they are not dudes with a long history of attachments. So they not only care about the people there, but both think the Federation is dipping into the Gamma Quadrant the right way, slowly and peacefully. Not the “let’s get a posse together” aggressive frontier power-grab tactics favored by the Cardassians and Romulans.

Speaking of which, the plan to send a band of ships into the Gamma Quadrant for a Pearl Harbor-style first strike is very, extremely, uncharacteristically stupid on the part of both races. Consider the lesson of “The Defiant.” Is it a good idea to take a blind run at one of the most critical worlds in the Cardassian Empire? No, it is not a good idea. Because they have taken some measure to protect it, in the form of a substantively large, exceedingly armed fleet. Further, it is well-established these are not only very militaristic societies, but they are super good planners. So should they take a similarly blind run at a world of changelings? Haha, goodness no, they should not. But they do, which engenders a lot of dying on their part, including Enebran Tain. Was it hubris? Desperation to establish themselves in the Gamma Quadrant before the better-positioned Federation had a chance?

Well, I actually kinda think it just simply didn’t make sense and was a script overreach, at least for “The Die is Cast.” It’s a great pair of episodes for pure watchability and the vital character takeaways for Garak and Odo, but we’ll have to leave it at that. The mystery of “Improbable Cause” makes more sense, but doesn’t really have a satisfying ending on its own, either. Though additional props to “Improbable Cause” for working in a number of really funny lines amidst a serious investigation. I loved the bit about trying to rig up quarters for the Yalosians, who require high concentrations of benzene and hydrogen sulfide in their environments, only it melted the carpet. And I loved this one:

Sisko: “But the question still remains: why would the Romulans want to have Garak killed?”
Odo: “I don’t know. Considering those uniforms of theirs, you’d think they’d appreciate a decent tailor.”

Odo’s biology corner: Odo doesn’t have a sense of smell. Did we already know that? Is his lack of senses becoming a running gag like Bender in Futurama, where he claims to be 40% of whatever element like ten different times over the course of the show? Safe to say DS9 tries to be consistent rather than deliberately defying viewers’ ability to canonize facts about their universe.

Overall: Important episodes, and quite good, but maybe a little incomplete for the full 5. I’ll go 4 out of 5.

S3E22, “Explorers” (story: Hilary J. Bader)

“Explorers” is a well-deserved light snack break after the intense “Improbable Cause/The Die is Cast” duo. Nothing super important happens. It’s mostly everyone just hanging around. I enjoyed it.

The primary thread has Sisko buying something like a model starship kit, only it is actual size and he means to fly the dang thing through interstellar space with Jake. He wants to re-create a Kon-Tiki-like Bajoran space voyage that will probably not kill them. Mostly this serves as a father-and-son time in which Jake is revealed to have received a writing fellowship offer, and Sisko gets to geek out over his spacecraft. The ship is fun. It has giant solar sails. We are told Sisko builds it, by hand, in like maybe a week. It also has hammocks, and he is pretty excited about the hammocks. They endure some mild peril, but the episode opts not to venture into full Apollo 13 territory, focusing more on Sisko and Jake bonding.

I liked how this story provided a way to show that Sisko and Dukat are just regular pals now. Dukat hears about the voyage attempt and calls to warn Sisko about the potential danger, but mostly, I think, just to chat. (And score an invite….???) And he’s waiting at the end of the voyage for some satisfied chuckling and to coordinate a fireworks display! (Fireworks that work in space, I guess.) The real question is: are we even scared of Dukat anymore? His last two appearances are (1) when his security systems hilariously backfired in “Civil Defense” and (2) when he got thoroughly humiliated in “Defiant,” while also being sad about missing his kid’s birthday. I continue to think we’re going to see some radical change from him, if we haven’t sort of seen it already.

Meanwhile, back on the station, the maturation of Julian continues. He enjoys some random flirtation with a dabo girl named Leeta. But it’s not classic awkwardly pushy Julian. She absolutely starts it, and like, no one could blame him here. Further, he forgets about Leeta as soon as he learns that DS9 is due for a visit by an old classmate, Elizabeth Lense. She’d finished first in their class, while he settled for second, on account of botching a relatively simple exam question. He’s intimidated by her, and always wondered how his life would have turned out if he’d had the opportunities available to a Starfleet valedictorian. It all turns out fine, though. It was just some weird misunderstanding and actually they should be friends. The grass isn’t always greener and people should step up and talk about stuff that’s bothering them, rather than letting negative feelings fester. Good lessons for everyday living.

Anyway the real reason this story exists is to create an opportunity for Bashir and O’Brien to get hammered together. To quell Julian’s nerves, he and O’Brien erase a bottle of Irish whisky in a truly delightful drinking scene that might be the highlight of the episode. Memory Alpha relates that the producers loved this scene, as it helped disassociate DS9 further from the more serious TNG. They had their share on TOS, but they would never have had a drunk scene on TNG. I don’t even know who’d be involved, honestly.

Riker: [Hair disheveled, a piece of gum snarled in his beard] Hey guys, let’s…let’s call Deanna.

Geordi: [Laying on the floor, VISOR askew on top of his head] I don’t know, Will. Let’s just play some more Super Smash Brothers.

Worf: [Surrounded by sinister Klingon liquor bottles, all empty. He appears completely sober anyway.] (Sternly) Do not compel me to confiscate your communicator, Commander.

Data: I have observed that Counselor Troi enjoys social gatherings and might appreciate such an invitation.

Riker: This guy! [Sloppily hugging Data] This guy gets it! [Stops hugging, jabs finger into Data’s chest] Don’t let anyone–ANYONE–say you don’t understand humans. [He pauses, takes a drink. Swallows.] I’m calling her.

[Geordi and Worf groan. Riker tries to tap his communicator, but has a bottle in his right hand, so is clumsily slapping his left hand against the wrong side of his chest]

Nah.

Morn watch: Morn and Quark are betting on how awkward Julian and Elizabeth’s encounter would be. (Why? Do they not have sports in the future?) Morn is seen hovering awkwardly in the background.

Overall: This is a super enjoyable episode that does a lot for the show, even if it is a bit ridiculous. 4 out of 5.

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1. The one where I can’t walk

I’m trying to walk somewhere but my legs feel like globs of wet cement and I’m walking through thick mud. I can just barely slog along. I don’t know if I’m crushingly tired or stiff as hell or am suddenly 105 years old.

What it means: I’m trying to move my legs around but I am literally asleep so have no control over my extremities. Who knows what’s going on down there. Or, it’s a manifestation of a subconscious fear of aging and losing my physical abilities.

Why having had this one frequently is cruel: It has seeped into my consciousness enough that I worry I will try to walk and I will have that sluggish sensation. What if it happens tomorrow morning? Well, I don’t think it ever actually has. But maybe it has? Did I have a morning where I could hardly walk? It seems real, but it almost certainly isn’t, which is my brain just messing with me, and thanks for that. The fact that dreams, which are mere unconscious flickers, can muck about with your actual emotions, is deeply cruel. Also it illustrates the disturbingly infinitesimal line between sanity and insanity. Anyway let’s continue.

2. The one where I forgot about a class I was taking

I am in college and, uh-oh, I just remembered I was in one other class. I went to one or two sessions, and uh, it just slipped my mind. I think it was some kind of math. The kind where you can’t miss much time because you’ll fall behind, and, wow, I haven’t been there in months.

What it means: A reasonable fear, yes? This seems like a literal, reasonable thing that could happen, and it probably does sometimes. Someone registers for a bunch of classes then drops some but overlooks one. Or maybe even, they fall behind and elect not to bother showing up anymore. Hopefully you can coax your way into an Incomplete rather than straight up failure. But in dream logic, there is no next semester. I suddenly have to do piles of work that I don’t know how to do. I am certain all humans have dreamed about such a scenario one form or another.

Also I hate forgetting stuff. I am not even the kind of dude who tends to forget stuff. If I didn’t do it, it was almost definitely because I was too lazy or too busy or didn’t want to. Of course I do forget stuff sometimes and it drives me crazy. So of course I’m going to have a dream that needles around with that particular neurosis. Why it takes this particular form, well, who can say. I always enjoyed looking through the class schedule and organizing my calendar. Maybe it’s the most organized activity I can think of that always devolved into chaos once the semester got rolling.*

Why having had this one frequently is cruel: Another consciousness-seeper. OMG, did I miss a class? I haven’t been an undergrad for 18 years and have seen my transcripts numerous times. But…maybe I did? Did I sign up for one this spring for work and then forgot about it? Somewhere some instructor keeps seeing my name on his attendance roll and thinks, “I’m starting to wonder if he’s not coming back.” I think I’ve had this particular dream so many times I am getting some light anxiety just talking about it.

(*Though I can end this one on a positive note. In grad school I found myself enrolled in a class that I desperately hated from the start. We were going to being doing several irritating group projects and have lots of brutal open-ended academic discussions. As a bonus, the class was also attended by someone I’d briefly dated the previous year, which had been largely weird and awkward throughout its stunted duration. I had to get out. Then a miracle occurred: I realized I’d miscalculated how many credits I needed (I think I’d left out some internship credits or something). I didn’t even need the class! I was out. So, so out. I’m sure the instructor did not appreciate the dazzlingly happy attitude with which I informed her I would not be continuing in the course.)

3. The one where the lights don’t work

It’s totally dark. I go to switch the lights on, and nothing happens. It’s too dark to even find the bulb to change it. I back into another room and that switch doesn’t work either. I don’t know where I am and I’m trapped.

What it means: Probably fear of death. Or more to the point, dying. Or maybe just the dark? They are all fine answers. It’s a topic of anxiety neither unique nor interesting since it is shared by probably all diurnal Earth creatures that have existed over the last 500 million years.

Why having had this one frequently is cruel: Because it’s scary as hell, and it’s super frustrating! Bloody lights.

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Sisko and the Grand Nagus' staff (on loan)S3E14, “Heart of Stone” (story: Ira Steven Behr & Robert Hewitt Wolfe)

Interesting that in the very next episode after the disastrous A/B story pairing that was “Life Support” they just go right in on another serious A/Nog B story. But they got it straightened out this time and it works here: both stories are good, and they work together pretty well. Probably it helps that the two stories move away from extremes. No shocking story A death, and while we are still disgusted by Ferengi culture in B, it’s more like, Nog is fighting against it rather than embracing it. So we can root for him.

A. I’ve probably brought this up before but let’s pretend I’m having an original thought: Trek mastered the art of disproving the fallacy that no good stories can be told in the age of cell phones. Even TOS had communicators, so they’ve had to deal with this problem long before there was even such a thing as a cell phone. Admittedly, they usually cheat. In SF you can always be in a cave or conjure up some atmospheric interference BS. Well they do both, trapping Kira and Odo both in a cave AND with some atmospheric interference AND further, Kira is stuck in some rocks AND the rocks behave sort of like organic quicksand, rapidly growing around anything they touch. As established back when he got trapped in an elevator with Lwaxana Troi for hours and hours, this is the sort of hopeless, desperate situation required to get Odo to open up about his feelings.

Over the course of the shittiest day ever, Kira and Odo try everything they can think of to free her from the rocks, but nothing seems to work. By the end of the day she’s up to her neck and dying. Odo won’t leave her though, and admits to what we’ve suspected for a little while now, that he’s started to fall in love with her. Aw, Odo! Then she says she loves him, too! Awwwww! So he points his phaser at her. Because, as the sad but realistic dude he is, this is so improbable she simply must be some kind of Kira imposter. And he’s right. (Thought some kind of rock-induced space madness seems like a better first guess, though I’m not as crafty as Odo.) Kira (and rocks) are actually the female changeling he met on his homeworld, just dropping in to re-up on her invite to join them, but also to test his feelings for the solids. She reveals where the actual Kira is (sedated), but then gut-punches him one last time with something about how Kira could never love a changeling like him, then jets.

I’m not sure how this is supposed to convince Odo to join the changelings. “We like epic practical jokes and will lay the nastiest, deepest-cutting insults on you, just to keep you grounded. Join us for more hazing!” But it does set up a few future arcs for the show. One, the Odo and Kira thing is now out there. At least for Odo and the audience. The Trek version of a deeply revealing Shakespearian soliloquy being, an enemy race sedates your object of affection and reproduces an exact double, then baits you into outing your feelings towards them for the benefit of the audience. And Two, that the changelings are going to start messing with our heroes whenever it suits them. They are the new Q.

B. Tired of watching the hapless Rom get browbeaten by Quark, Nog decides a career in Starfleet is his path out of a crummy life getting kicked around by the family boss. Only Ferengi don’t join Starfleet, because where’s the profit? So Quark is offended, naturally, but Rom has a backbone when it comes to his son, at least.

I don’t know if this was what they were specifically aiming for, but Nog’s plight is actually a really accurate representation of what life is like for first generation college students. Especially for students with immigrant parents. Not only does he have to overcome family divisions, he doesn’t know the customs, doesn’t have any contacts, and has no idea what’s expected of him. (“I want to be the first Ferengi in Starfleet. Now who do I see about getting a uniform?”) He needs a reference, so he approaches Sisko, but usually a prospective cadet would bring his resume. Nog brings a pile of latinum—hard currency being proof of one’s reputation in Ferengi culture, rather than professional experience or social status. Unfortunately for Nog, aboard DS9 his reputation is more future Ponzi scheme kingpin than future Starfleet officer.

But with some Nog-brand persistence and advice from Dax, Sisko relents and says he’ll help Nog build up something he can put on a Federation application other than his record of petty cash-grabbing hustles, and assigns him some standard tedious intern toil taking cargo inventories. As it turns out, Nog thrives at toil, having honed his skills as Quark’s underling’s underling. He also comes clean with Sisko, admitting that he sees Starfleet as his route out of a life of such toil. A natural softy, Sisko buys this and agrees to provide a reference.

Overall: Steadying the ship after “Life Support.” 4 out of 5.

S3E15, “Destiny” (story: David S. Cohen and Martin A. Winer)

I was going to write about how I’m bored by prophecy fulfillment as a plot driver in fiction. At least, as a concept, it seems like a difficult thing to pull off in a way that makes one’s audience feel like they don’t already know how it’s going to end. It’s fiction! The prophecy itself is fiction. You can tweak it as necessary to conform to the plot as it evolves, so how can there ever be real suspense or stakes.

This seemed like a good point until I thought of Dune.

Why is Dune one of the great books and “Destiny” is predictably boring prophecy fulfillment fiction? First thought: Dune is probably the best ever world-building novel. “Destiny” is one of many, many episodes of a Star Trek show. So, it’s not an especially fair question. The scopes are entirely different. Why is a Boston creme pie better than a dollop of frosting scooped out of the jar with your grubby finger? But even handicapping Dune in terms of everything it accomplishes (and everything it has time to accomplish in an entire book), maybe it’s because the prophecy is itself alien and mysterious. How am I supposed to be primed for the arrival of the Kwisatz Haderach* when I have no bloody idea what that is. They drop all these hints of what’s happening, but the reader/viewer is learning about everything Dune/Fremen/giant sandworms right along with Paul, so you might know what the prophecy says but the purpose of the story is to learn what it even means.

I don’t think we get that with “Destiny.” We just get a jumble of nonsense phrases that eventually come to fit the facts in the same conveniently vague way someone can read any horoscope. But like, of course everything was going to (more or less) come to pass, or why bring it up in the story. I guess I’m still just not all that into the Bajoran mysticism thing. It’s a dang wormhole, not a Space Temple. You’re not going to satisfy me here.

Couple of things I did like though:

  • The Cardassian engineer developing a crush on clueless O’Brien subplot. I liked the reverse sexism mix-in where she’s surprised a male could have the temperament for engineering. Also the concept that constant annoyance is the Cardassian version of flirtation.
  • Anything that fills in a little more of Cardassian life. We rarely see anyone other than military lifers and spies. Still waiting for something like a blue collar Cardassian. But then, we never even see blue collar Federation people, so, not holding my breath.

*Here’s how many times I’ve read Dune: I nearly spelled this right without Googling.

Morn watch: Morn gets poisoned by Quark’s shady expired Kanar. Kira expresses surprise, thinking nothing could make him sick. Goodness, what is the backstory there?

Overall: This one felt like a long way to go to get across the idea that Sisko really will be an important influence on Bajor’s future. I never really got into the story, felt like a bit of a miss. 3 out of 5.

S3E16, “Prophet Motive” (story: Ira Steven Behr & Robert Hewitt Wolfe)

Grand Nagus Zek shows up with a revision of The Rules of Acquisition, which he claims is a revolutionary new modern update. He allows Quark and Rom first look at it, before it is presented to the entire Ferengi Alliance. However, their excitement is replaced by horror as they read rules like “If they want their money back give it to them” and “Never place profit before friendship.” They naturally theorize Zek has lost his mind. In conjunction with Zek’s suddenly philanthropic mood, they are sure of it.

Basically this setup is an extended excuse for some Ferengi antics, and as such this episode feels more like a sitcom. I mean this in the best possible way. It’s practically an episode of Frasier. How many episodes did Frasier set out to curb his temper, or try to establish a new relationship without making some fatal hubristic mistake, only to have fate conspire against him? His world simply will not let him change. It’d be sad if he was a real guy, but everything is so ridiculous it circles back around to funny. It also turns out to be funny when a crazy Ferengi buys the bar a round of drinks, and his sane associates react like 1950s high school dance chaperones when some daring kids goad the band into playing some rock and roll.

Of course, Zek isn’t in his right mind, and Quark eventually figures out that some wormhole aliens scrambled him up, thinking they were healing him. They were under the impression that no sane being would behave like a Ferengi, particularly Zek’s maximum version of it. They want to do it to Quark too, for the same reasons, but Quark convinces them that it will just cause more Ferengi to show up and the aliens will have to keep dealing with them. No one wants this, so they change Zek back and wash their hands of these trolls. An amazing, perfect resolution. This whole situation is some richly brilliant humor, at a level any Frasier fan will appreciate. Well done, DS9, I’m really proud of you.

Also there’s some B story about Bashir getting nominated for a prestigious medical award. This part was fine, if sorta forgettable. Though good for Bashir’s character to continue to establish that he really is a notably excellent doctor, but isn’t so egotistical as they initially developed him early in the series. It’s mostly just a good chance for the rest of the crew to needle him. Everyone still enjoys this. (Memory Alpha tells me that this whole storyline was actually a long in-joke to parallel an unexpected award nomination TNG had received.)

Self-sealing stem bolts alert: In a delightful, long-overdue callback to “Progress,” we learn that the haul of self-sealing stem bolts are still in storage, awaiting some new sucker to buy them. Quark has a verbal agreement in place to unload them, but Zek undercuts him before he can close the deal. I am hoping these bolts will turn up about once a season for the remainder of the series. Then, in the deepest of ironies, Nog falls into some kind of scheme wherein he (1) finally discovers what they are for and (2) needs a bunch of them, forcing him to try to talk his uncle into parting with them.

Morn watch: When the Nagus buys the whole bar a round, Morn is naturally there to benefit.

Overall: DS9’s humor is growing up. Too bad the Bashir story was a bit thin. 4 out of 5.

S3E17, “Visionary” (story: Ethan H. Calk)

A good skiffy one with a lot of terrestrial action going for it, including, but not limited to, time travel, spies, conspiracies, and bar brawls.

So a plasma conduit blows while O’Brien is fixing something and he takes a blast of radiation. As established in fiction, radiation causes awesome side effects, under the theory that no one says a DNA mutation has to necessarily be negative. Why couldn’t it, say, turn someone into a spider-like man or grant an ability to shift temporally through the universe. I guess so! Anything’s possible. Anyway it beats the alternative of watching a beloved character suffer radiation poisoning and organ failure. The episode at least softens O’Brien’s new superpower by not really letting him control it, and also kinda dying while it’s happening.

Anyway I liked this SF idea that you can jump forward briefly, get information, and pop back with that information to act on it. It’s a pretty good deal (if you can solve the dying, which they do, somehow). Quark, as the show’s id, naturally wants O’Brien to take a peek at the dabo numbers while he’s up ahead. But there is more pressing business with some rabblerousing Klingons and pushy Romulans roaming about, and O’Brien is too busy watching future bar fights and station evacuations to cheat at dabo. So the episode is framed by O’Brien’s jumps, and the increasingly chaotic situation on DS9. Each jump brings back more dire information, which the regulars then work to prevent. This episode clearly lands on the Back to the Future theory of time travel, that you can leap forward, see something bad, and do something about it back in the present, ensuring that future never really happens. (For your particular present, anyway. Sorry, poor jerks of the future.)

Which brings up an interesting comparison to the whole prophecy angle brought up in “Destiny.” This story sat a lot better with me, but what’s the difference, really? From a story crafting perspective, you’re still creating something to build towards, and can tweak as necessary to get there (or in this case, avoid getting there). Isn’t that the same sort of cheating? I guess it has the potential to be, but this ends up working more like a reverse “Past Tense” where Sisko knows the future he has to get to, and just isn’t sure what will make it happen. Maybe this episode is just tighter or put together better. That might be something to dig into in detail once I get more than zero Patreon sponsors. Or maybe I’m simply more comfortable with stabs at science explanations, however full of TNG-ish technobabble they are. But mostly, to re-iterate the point above, I think that prophecies are hard to to without sounding like mystical horoscopes. Time travel is more like hard currency—you see it in front of you as fact.

Miscellaneous etcetera:

  • The threaded Romulan story happening here was compelling enough, if a little confusing. We haven’t really settled on where the Romulans stand in the DS9 universe. They show up here and there, but usually as officious consultants rather than the outright menaces they are here. They’re a problem, but like, where do they fit into the hierarchy of headaches with the Cardassians, the Jem’Hadar, the Founders, Bajoran politics, exploding plasma coils, Ferengi malfeasance, Betazoid love spells, et. al.
  • Anyway their presence for this episode provides a callback to events in both “Heart of Stone” and “The Search.” Both Odo’s crush on Kira and the disastrous season-opening skirmish with the Jem’Hadar are going to continue to have repercussions.
  • Yet another drunken Klingon. The Klingons have had a crazy arc in Trek, from powerful threat in TOS to today’s marginalized dying culture. I think we can actually feel sorry for them at this point. I’ll be curious to see how things change when Worf becomes a regular next season.
  • Darts is the new racquetball: a faddish station pastime that provides space for characters to bond and easily stage important plot-driving discussions. Probably just easier to have a conversation over darts than loud and visually distracting space racquetball.

Morn watch: Morn is impaled in the chest by one of Quark’s ineptly-thrown darts. But he barely notices and coolly plucks it out like he’s peeling off the day’s “HELLO MY NAME IS” sticker. We might conclude the entire outer hull of Morn’s body is a light armor helpful for whatever dirty-as-hell job he performs on the station. Whether the armor is some sort of suit or Morn’s naturally rhino-like hide is unclear.

Overall: Clever way to drive a story, if leaning on some TNG-style technobabble. 4 out of 5.