Migraines remind us that the body is a large semi-pliable sack of chemical reactions. Mostly the reactions are based on the various inputs into it and behaviors towards it, but they can also go on- and offline all by themselves. Just part of the fun of organic existence. If all the reactions are proceeding within nominal tolerances, one feels “fine.” Sometimes the processes can be overclocked with drugs that can make you feel really great, although if you feel too great you might have a heart attack at 27, or at least, a hangover. Or more commonly, if, for example, I eat a lunch too high in fat, my afternoon at work becomes a multi-hour battle against sleep. Personally, migraines are the most dramatic example of the reactions going awry, and no one really knows why they happen, which is super fun.

I had migraines as a kid, though I didn’t really know what they were at the time. I would just wake up in the middle of the night with really terrific headaches. I would try to quietly invade my parents’ bathroom for some aspirin, trying not to wake anyone up, but instead stirring up the dogs and achieving the opposite. In my teens I had about one migraine a year. Seemingly out of nowhere I wouldn’t be able to see out of my left eye, like curtains were being drawn around my head. (In the migraine biz this is known as having an “aura”, which sounds interesting or mystical but turns out temporary blindness is neither.) Thirty minutes later my brain felt like it was making an armed escape attempt. I was still getting the occasional stress- and/or exertion-induced episodes into my early twenties.

Then they stopped for about two decades.

A couple years ago K and I were flying home from somewhere. We both tend to get a bit grouchy and anxious when flying and I tend not not feel like eating much either, which most certainly does not improve the experience. So it was a long day and I arrived home hungry and crabby and over-tired. I dropped a pen on the floor and when I reached down to get it I couldn’t see it. It’d been almost twenty years but the curtains were being drawn.

Now I get migraines again. More frequently, and way worse than I did before. Although actually the aura that one day was comparatively rare, usually I don’t get them. But now I get vomiting, which is even less mystical.

So I think a lot about blood chemistry, and how it gets out of whack. From what I can tell, mine appear to be caused by falling behind on calories, like if I end up eating two or three small meals in a row, especially if most of what I do eat is relatively high in carbs or sugar. If I’m going to get one I’ll wake up with some budding symptoms, and they will either dissipate or really start to party over the course of the morning. By lunch either the fog is clearing or I’m lying in my basement with a towel over my face to hide from light, clutching the right side of my forehead and whimpering. Alternatively I have some meds which will knock me out for a bit. I still lose most of the day but there’s less whimpering. Thankfully this is not common, 3-4 times a year. If I don’t break my various dietary rules it’ll stay that way, but I inevitably have a bad day, which is why it is not zero times a year. I think. The dietary thing is more of a well-supported theory than a fact as yet. But it aligns with some migraine research.

I don’t really know how brains work, but I understand there are lots of neurotransmitters and receptors sending and receiving signals. It’s actually a wonder than there aren’t massive breakdowns all the time, except that mammal brains have had a few hundred million years to weed out the versions that were susceptible to such things. Still, a few non-life-threatening mistakes got through the process, so I probably won’t die soon, but I still get migraines and wear glasses and have gained weight since my mid-thirties. Everyone’s got some minor to major problems like this.

Anyway, my brain is one of those that has this annoying flaw. My proteins or glucose or something isn’t within tolerances and I get triggered. For some people it’s light or sound or smells. I recently read something about how all of those are sensory overreactions. As it happens, migraineurs often do have overactive senses. None of these seem like my specific trigger but I never though about how this is totally a thing for me. I have been complimented as “sensitive” but I think this means “generally attentive towards others’ feelings” and not “my senses work really well.” But it turns out both statements are true! I definitely get light-sensitive when I’m tired, and can’t handle a ton of sun. I have taken to sleeping with an eye mask a lot because the streetlights seem too bright to me at night, even through our shades. I always hear weird little noises around the house that my wife doesn’t. (Sometimes this is handy: more than once I have discovered hidden leaky pipes because I could hear the dripping.) I don’t like vinegary foods because they smell so sharp I can’t get near them.

What they don’t tell you about migraines is that it’s not just the occasional acute attacks, there are a lot of semi-crummy days when your blood feels thick and sluggish. I call these either Code Yellow or Orange depending on the severity. I guess these actually sorta are migraines, just low-level enough that I can kinda function. It’s not a good time, and sometimes it’s a state that I’m hovering in for a few days, but it’s not Code Red either. The upside is that when things are running smoothly, or when the fog does lift, I’m really aware of it. It’s genuinely euphoric to feel normal, to have all the receptors chugging along harmoniously.