We were watching the video for Hall & Oates’ “Out of Touch” and around the 3:38 mark, Oates does a cartweel. I wondered: what would happen if I attempted a cartwheel? More accurately, I wondered, what injury would I suffer should I attempt a cartwheel?
Factors
Age: Oates was about 36 in the video. I am 41.
Physical conditioning: Oates appeared to be in terrific physical shape. I have decent cardiovascular health but carrying a few extra pounds thanks to genetics, age, non-rockstar lifestyle, and employment working at a computer.
Stature: Oates also appears relatively short for an American male. The undoubtedly accurate website celebheights.com says he’s 5’5″. I am 6′ even. I hypothesize that shorter statures would be advantageous for cartwheels, based on the fact that lots of kids can do them.
Experience
We can expect that one or the other of these theories is true:
- Hall & Oates and/or their video director conceived a specific vision for the video, which included Oates doing a cartwheel. He was informed of this dramatic choice, got into suitable shape and commenced practice until he was film-ready.
- He just liked doing cartwheels and in his exuberance for “Out of Touch,” performed one during the shoot.
Either way, Oates was physically and mentally prepared for the cartwheel.
As for me, I have not performed a cartwheel in a minimum of 35 years. But possible I have never completed one successfully. Evolutionary biology being what it is, kid bodies are relatively resilient and I obviously survived whatever hapless cartwheels I may have attempted. I am immeasurably stronger these days and could generate a great deal more momentum, but that’s not necessarily a good thing.
Most Likely Injuries
1. Soft tissue injury, including twisted ankle, sprained knee, ACL tear, etc. (40% probability)
If I recklessly built up the speed to propel my legs upwards over my center of gravity, well, that would be quite an accomplishment. But I am quite sure I wouldn’t know what to do next. Powerful lateral momentum is fundamentally incompatible with knee ligament coherence. Notably so for 40-somethings who already own one kind of joint brace and have contemplated buying others.
2. Nausea/temporary loss of consciousness. (30% probability)
I don’t even like driving on hilly streets.
3. Separated shoulder (20% probability)
Will my arms support my body during the rotation? Well, that is an exciting question.
4. Concussion (10% probability)
Once engaged in the cartwheel, how does one stop? I can imaging just hurtling forward past the standing position, head first, into the beyond.
Additional Damages
Can I ensure my legs will pass directly over my planted arms, continuing on the same plane through a full arc, momentum carrying my torso and upper body back up to the standing position? No, I don’t really think this is anywhere near likely to happen. Anything in a six-foot radius is in significant peril.
Conclusions
Attempting a cartwheel would be a very poor idea. Nevertheless, I would try it on a soft floor, like for gymnastics or the mentally unstable, with both my knees and ankles wrapped tightly in Ace bandages, and no possible witnesses for one mile in all directions, with the exception of a qualified sports medicine professional standing outside the door, where they cannot see me, but are ready to spring into action.
